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Denver Nuggets: Hair Band of Brothers

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Hail! Hail! The gang’s all hair! Josh Childress (at least temporarily) completes a quartet/quintet

To protect the poor, innocent makeup artists who applied all that blush, faces have been blurred.

So hair’s the thing... Only 12 days until training camp. Surely there’s still something new to talk about with your Denver Nuggets as we get to the last mile of our Hoops Sahara, no?

Maybe so.

As deftly covered by Adam Mares, Josh Childress arrived on the Nuggets scene - at least for the near term - after nearly completing blackout on his world tour card/passport. Childress brings with him NBA career averages of 9.1 points and 4.7 rebounds, and one of the greatest heads of hair in the league. Here’s a perfect shot of Childress from this summer’s Big 3 league:

do the ‘do

That is some on-the-level-of-80’s-hair-band-lead-singer hair, right there. We balding bastards salute you, Josh Childress. You give us hope and incredible bouts of jealousy. In addition to the tresses, I also loved Childress’ game at Stanford and Atlanta, though I mostly lost track once he started bouncing from Greece to Phoenix to Brooklyn to Washington to New Orleans to Sydney to Frisco to Hamamatsu to the Big 3. Oof. Say that fives times fast. But seeing those awesome locks show back up as a part of Nuggets Nation made me realize that the Denver Nuggets have sported some of the great hairdo’s in the history of the game, including at least four to five on the current roster. Oh, and at least one hairdon’t. And everybody knows that every great ‘80’s hair band had four or five guys in it, am I right? I didn’t even like hair/metal bands, and I knew that... or at least I thought I did. Where can I find that data... Hellooooo, Ranker...

Looking at the Top 100 fan-ranked hair bands, it’s true. Over 95% of the lineups had four or five guys. So... shoving that square peg further into that round hole, here’s your current Denver Nuggets hair band, pressed into a five-man lineup by instrument, because this thing hasn’t gotten contrived enough already. We’ll throw out a few hall-of-famers from Nuggets past at the end.

We’ll make Childress our lead singer/rhythm guitarist. Why lead singer? That is simply lead singer hair. A second look:

BIG3 - Week Six
Lead. Singer. Hair.
Photo by Ron Jenkins/BIG3/Getty Images

Bass guitar: Emmanuel Mudiay

One of the great drop fades in the league right now belongs to Emmanuel Mudiay, who also sets some thumping bass lines with those laser-like bounce passes. Here’s to hoping Emmanuel takes a huge step forward this upcoming season and makes his shooting as slick as that fade.

Lead guitar: Malik Beasley

Malik Beasley looks that good after a 16 point performance. Like a lead guitarist, improvising and laying down riffs is a blossoming part of Malik’s game. Here’s hoping that someday Beasley can be the Eddie Van Halen of the Denver Nuggets. In performance quality... but not Eddie’s prickly personality. Crap, poor analogy but apparently I do know something about hair bands. What’s a better comp for this ridiculous comparison, metal fans?

Drums and percussion: Kenneth Faried

Rhythm isn’t the beats. Rhythm is the space between the beats.

Laying down the thumping beat is the provenance of drummers and the high-flying Manimal, Kenneth Faried. At his finest, Faried can set a tempo very few can match, and could be the driving force that chases most opponents from the Mile High city trying to catch their breath.

Keyboards: Wilson Chandler

Usually the unsung hero of the band, especially an 80’s metal hair band, is the keyboard player. The guy on keys gets counted on to produce a little or a lot, filling in on every part of the stage. Er, floor. Chandler is that multi-tool guys for the Nuggets, and could be a missing puzzle piece for Denver this upcoming season, filling in where the gaps are on the floor, as shown in this recent Nuggets 360 piece from Altitude. Jamal Murray, Darrell Arthur, and coach Michael Malone all add their voices to the chorus. Almost like background singers. This metaphor may just work out yet.

Before it gets too much deeper, here’s my quick Nuggets hair band hall of fame, just for sheer awe factor:

Chris Anderson:

Tell me you didn’t think of Birdman the second you saw this dumb premise. A thing of beauty. And so many options to choose from, if you do a simple Google search:

when the Bird was the word

And bringing up a close second in the mohawk category...

Danilo Gallinari:

Is not happy with being second in anything, even the fierce Denver Nuggets mohawk competition

Andre Miller:

I’m at a loss. This also has some spectacular Google search results.

Why? Why, why, why.

Man... It seems like we’re done. If only we could include the paragon of 80’s hair band hair, but he wasn’t a Nugget. Well, at least not at the time.

Oh, what the hell. For my not-yet friend Chris Marlowe, from back before Hector was a pup...

Mike Miller, come on down!

He is totally humming Whitesnake right now... or Def Leppard...

Hair is where we end, Nuggets Nation, from your follicly-challenged reporter to the three of you left reading this on the john at work. Give that hair an extra check in the mirror before you go back to your desk, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Like you do YOUR best work every single week. Happy Thursday, Nuggets Nation!

Poll

Who had the sweetest hair out of today’s cast of characters who were unfortunately looped into this ill-fitting metaphor?

This poll is closed

  • 12%
    Josh Childress
    (15 votes)
  • 7%
    Emmanuel Mudiay
    (9 votes)
  • 1%
    Malik Beasley
    (2 votes)
  • 26%
    Kenneth Faried
    (32 votes)
  • 0%
    Wilson Chandler
    (1 vote)
  • 22%
    Chris Andersen
    (27 votes)
  • 1%
    Danilo Gallinari
    (2 votes)
  • 19%
    Don’t you dare... Andre Miller
    (23 votes)
  • 5%
    Nick Van Exel (seeing if you’re still even paying attention)
    (6 votes)
  • 1%
    Mike Miller
    (2 votes)
119 votes total Vote Now