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Denver Nuggets: May the Horse be with you

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What happens when a Stiff is obsessed with two topics and eats too much spicy food right before bed? I find your lack of faith... disturbing...

Poor Issel-Wan Knissel. Used for a cheap headline gag, and then never to be seen in the story.
Poor Issel-Wan Knissel. Used for a cheap headline gag, and then never to be seen in the story.
Composite - Mike Olson

Lately, the only things I've been dreaming about are your Denver Nuggets and the impending Star Wars movie. At least those are the only dreams I'm willing to tell you about. I'm terrified both franchises are going to let me down soon. The previews for both looked pretty enticing, but that happened once before and I ended up finding out the Force is a blood disease. Pair that worry with a late night dinner of particularly spicy homemade green chile, add a few Nuggets losses, and... well, I may have gone over to the dark side for a bit.

Suddenly, my two dreams seemed to have co-mingled. I don't remember much about the "blended" dream itself, only waking up in a sweat after a lightsaber cut a basketball in two. That said, I'm using your Denver Nuggets to re-cast the formative film of my childhood: Star Wars - A New Hope.

**Yes, it's just this hard to come up with topics when the Nuggets are primarily playing like Bantha Poodoo. If that joke didn't land, you may want to come back for tomorrow's far-more-intelligent article, as written by someone smarter.**

Meanwhile, on a basketball court far, far away...

Luke Skywalker - This was an easy one, as Emmanuel Mudiay is certainly the young buck with untapped and unknown powers who may be able to restore balance in the force, er, court. Sadly, our current version of Mudiay is the Luke who is whining to Uncle Owen about power converters, not the newly trained Jedi just yet. Hopefully Emmanuel will wrap up this season in Portland by hitting a next-to-impossible shot (the basket is not much smaller than a Womp Rat, you know), sending the rebel forces (Nuggets) home with a victory, and somehow exploding the MODA Center in a now-vertical completely-unneeded remastered explosion. Still a little bitter, George Lucas. And not actually advocating the demolition of the MODA Center.

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Primarily for his role in training up the young Jedi, Jameer Nelson dons the faded brown cloak, tasked with the responsibility of getting the most out of Mudiay's skills and capabilities. Sadly, that means Jameer-Wan Kenobi also keeps a dark secret about...

Darth Vader - Sorry to tread an overworn path, Nuggets Nation, but if we had a "bad guy" candidate this season, Ty Lawson certainly fills the bill. He was the previous Jedi destined for great things, who went over to the Dark Side. There's a Darth Vader wheezing respirator joke in there somewhere. Sorry Ty, I promise I'm done now. And I truly do wish you well. Speaking of Jedi...

Yoda - The guy who's truly trying to teach and get all the Jedi in line is coach Michael Malone. As evidenced in the team's sporadic play, apparently no one can quite figure out what the hell Yoda is saying just yet. Maybe it's the sentence structure. Let's hope Emmanuel Skywalker doesn't take off for Bespin before his training is complete. Defense you will. Trust your feelings. There is no try. Only do. Or do not.

Han Solo - There is only one dashing swashbuckler on this team, and Corellian and Italian seem like kissing cousins, anyway. Danilo Gallinari has exactly the swagger one would need to pull off any of Solo's antics, and after his knee injury, Gallo was frozen in Carbonite for too damned long, anyway. As to his buddy...

Chewbacca - Extra tall, good head of hair, somewhat unintelligible (at least when he started). Jusuf Nurkic, we need to get you some bandoliers. Plus, Chewie is the true badass of the Star Wars universe. You don't screw with Chewbacca, or you get your arms pulled off... Speaking of Han Solo's attachments...

Princess Leia - The only character in the Nuggets universe who could pull off hair buns and the attitude is Super Mascot Rocky. Plus Gallo might actually kiss the mountain lion, fuzzy nerfherder or not. Let's not put Rocky in the bikini, though.

Wedge Antilles - Always the guy cleaning up, always the guy who could bring the energy back to the fight. Kenneth Faried, we need to get you fitted for an X-Wing.

Red Squadron - Most of the Nuggets bench right now, a few of them playing Porkins and Red Five and crashing into the Death Star nightly.

I've admittedly not figured out C-3PO or R2-D2 just yet, Nuggets Nation, and have a scary thought in the back of my head for Jar-Jar Binks... but thankfully, that's the wrong film for my game today. This is what happens when I have too much free time, a couple of obsessions, sleep deprivation, and a rumbling gut. Care to play along? Do you have a bad feeling about this? Either way, may the Horse be with you.