These are questions so serious that the finest minds of MIT and Harvard were put through rigorous 23 to 24 hour days to come up with just the right set of inquiries that will burn upon the minds of Nuggets fans from New Castle to Rocky Ford.
Unanswered question 1: How can we nickname Stiffs when they are getting significant minutes?
Simple! I am proud of how resourceful Denver Stiffs readers are. We can come up with nicknames for anyone, in any situation regardless of their "Stiffitude" (not a word....but it should be). Shelden Williams' current nickname "The Landlord" is inadequate and seems to represent nothing. This must be changed. Did Shelden get this nickname from turning off the tap water until his tenants pay the rent? Did he prize land from some Flemish peasants in renaissance era Belgium? I call upon upon Stiffs far and wide to correct this problem and give this fellow a proper nickname.
Unanswered question 2: When will the Nuggets change their slogan?
Seriously. Don't you feel that "Can You Feel It?" is a bit played out. It has been three years and YES...I can feel it. All too well. It's about as stale Allen Iverson's crossover and I'm sure about as profitable as his trips to the casino. How about "Denver Nuggets: Lets keep it together for a year!" or something like that. I'm sure my fellow Stiffs will be much more creative than I am.
This does, however, point to a larger issue the Nuggets have. Which is how do you market a team that has no idea what it will look like? If Melo is gone, how do you sell the public on what remains? I don't envy the guy in the PR department who's tasked with that.
Unanswered question 3: Will the Nuggets continue their pattern of blowing opponents out when I attend games?
Last year, two of the three Nuggets games I attended were blowouts. In both occasions I was picking my fingernails and texting friends by the time the game reached the fourth quarter. It's great that we won, don't get me wrong. Yet there's something wrong when the biggest moment of suspense is waiting for Malik "Tacos" Allen score so you can say you saw every member of the Nuggets score while you were at the game...yippee! While this does lead me to question the NBA's policy of scheduling so many back-to-backs, it occurs to me the Nuggets benefit from that as much as it hurts and as long as they win, I don't care. Denver does have a home court advantage regardless of back-to-backs, but it sure makes it hard if you play in Los Angeles one night, and Denver the next.
Unanswered question 4: What degree of horror will befall us as Nuggets fans if Melo is traded any time soon?
I suppose there are degrees of horror. Say for instance if the season unfolds like "Young Frankenstein" then you'd get a nice farce, some great parody, and the season will end with a brain transplant (wait....it's a comedy??). OR it would be like "Dawn of the Dead" horror. Where the Nuggets play like slow moving zombies who besiege a shopping mall and end up in a sly comment on crass consumerism.
...right, well I never said these were perfect analogies.
Problem is, I'm not too sure the Nuggets even know what they're going to do. I can see they are encouraged by what they see on the court in camp, but does that translate to the ability to "sell" Carmelo Anthony on staying? All I know is, as soon as I see zombie Birdman lumbering after me I'm running the other way.
And this is a bonus question. It's not really about the Nuggets, but a question none the less.
Unanswered question 5: Will delusional Knicks fans continue to provide much needed comic relief?
Allow me a rant. I have many friends in New York who, for whatever reason, still believe the Knicks are relevant because...wait for it...they reside in New York. That's it. Take away the Melo situation and ask yourselves: "what exactly have the Knicks done the last decade to lead you to believe they will win ANYTHING?" Seriously. Chris Sheridan on ESPN reported a couple days ago that the Knicks have "obtained a 2011 draft pick to use as trade bait". Good for them. Yet you see the comments on the ESPN TrueHoop page and they are all like "THIS MEANS MELO IS COMING TO NY BABY!! CHAMPIONSHIP!"
Other than being silly (considering the Knicks don't have that great a team, even WITH Melo) the supposed draft pick they acquired is virtually useless. It's well known that the 2011 draft, while still being undertaken, will be extremely weak (considering the uncertainty of the new CBA/lockout) and I don't think the Nuggets view a package of Anthony Randolph, Eddy Curry, and a 2011 draft pick as "enticing", Yet the beat goes on.
The search for answers continues. I leave you with this quote from Homer Simpson
"I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors- Oh I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson!""